What is faith?
The definition of trust differs from relationship to relationship, but for many, it is the sense of commitment and safety you have in your connection with your partner. Along with recognizing and respecting each other’s boundaries, trust also entails being able to freely express one another’s wants and feelings. Together, you are free to be who you are. Having access to each other’s personal items, such as phones, is not the only way to establish trust. Respecting your partner’s desire to keep you away from their phone is a sign of trust. When someone is trustworthy, you don’t need to go to the trouble of reviewing their phone history or message logs to confirm their affection for you.
Ways by which trust can be lost in a relationship
Even though cheating seems to be the most common way of losing trust in a relationship, it is not the only way by which trust can be lost in a relationship. Other reasons are:
- Not being dependable
If you keep making promises or saying words that contrast your action and your partner cannot vouch for your honesty, this could result in a lack of trust as there will be constant doubt in your partner’s mind.
2. Being absent
Just like not being dependable, failing to be there for your partner when they most need you means you are not trustworthy and this shows a lack of interest that could cause trust issues in a relationship.
3. Keeping secrets or hiding important things about yourself from your partner. This does not mean you cannot have your privacy but if you keep keeping important things that could affect your relationship from your partner, they might eventually find out. Even if you only hid those things to protect your relationship, your partner might not agree with you.
4. Lying to your partner
Worse than keeping secrets from your partner is lying. The truth hurts but the pain goes away with time. However, when the truth comes out after lying, it becomes harder for your partner to trust you.
Being selfish and manipulative is another reason why there are so many relationships with trust issues. If you keep trying to manipulate your partner to have your way, they will eventually find out and this can ruin your relationship as a whole.
6. Botting up your feelings
One of the sweet spots of a relationship is having a transparent partner who can be completely vulnerable with you. If one person in the relationship always hides how they are feeling, no matter the reason why the other person might begin to feel unwelcomed or that you do not care about them and start doubting their place in the relationship.
How to gain trust back in a relationship after lying?
Gaining trust back in a relationship after lying to your partner is not something that can be done by just one person. The person that lied and the person who was lied have to be ready to put in the joint effort to bring trust back into their relationship. Depending on the side of the coin you are on, here are a few ways to regain trust after you have lost it.
As the one that lied:
- Talk about why you had to lie to your partner in the first place. It is important to know that even if you lied to save your relationship, you still have hurt your partner by lying. Let your partner understand the thought behind why you lied, do not hold back, and let them decide whether they want to trust you back or not.
- The most important but uncomfortable part of rebuilding trust is talking about the problem and coming to terms with your partner. Your partner might get emotional and that is normal, let them feel and express how they feel but do not lie to help them feel better. Remember you are trying to gain back their trust and not create more problems that can cause trust issues in the future.
- Apologize sincerely. Do not say sorry alone, mention what you have done and how you plan to fix it to regain their trust.
- You must now act in a straightforward manner. It takes more than just talking to your spouse and offering an apology to win back their confidence. You must also be entirely honest with them going forward. Show them you have nothing to hide from them and that they have nothing to be concerned about. They’ll feel more at ease returning your trust as a result of this.
As the person that was lied to:
- You have to decide whether you are willing to hold on to the relationship and move on from the issue. If you are willing to fix your relationship after you have been lied to, you need to learn to forgive your partner. Complete forgiveness takes time and that is fine too.
- Do not beat yourself up for being lied to. A lot of people tend to blame themselves but you need to understand that you are not responsible for the mistakes of your partner, they had a choice and they chose to do what they did.
- Openly communicate to your partner and let them know how they have hurt you and how you feel about them after it. This will not only help you feel better but will also give a few pointers to your partner on the things to do to gain back your trust and make you feel better.
- Take a break if you need to. Rebuilding trust is a difficult and long process and it depends on the weight of the lie that was told. If seeing your partner hurts and brings the lie to mind all the time, you should consider staying away from each other to avoid bringing toxicity into the relationship.
- Do not go back to the problem after it has been fully discussed. Let it go as bringing it up will only make forgiveness and rebuilding trust difficult. Also, try to distract yourself whenever the thought comes up, do not attempt to connect dots that will only escalate the problem. If your partner already apologized and is making an obvious effort to do better, you can help them by focusing on who they are presently and not what they did.
- Give it time. It is okay to still not fully trust your partner immediately.
- If your partner keeps lying to you and repeating the same mistakes, it might just be that they have no regard for you. The best thing to do is to walk out of the relationship as all they are doing is trying to manipulate you.
- If being constantly lied to has affected your self-esteem or mental health, you should see a psychologist.
- Consider couples therapy.
Why is trust important in a relationship?
Trust is important in a relationship for many reasons:
- It makes building a connection with your partner easy because you know you can always trust them in any situation.
- It makes respecting boundaries easy
- It gives both parties freedom to have their lives outside the relationship
- It makes both partners more expressive and comfortable with admitting their emotions
- It gives reassurance in the relationship
- It gives both partners a feeling of acceptance.
- It makes vulnerability within the relationship easier.
- It takes away the chances of unhealthy jealousy in a relationship.
With all that has been said, it is also important to know that we are humans and we cannot be completely trusted because we are liable to make mistakes. However, if a person keeps making the same mistake over and over, they might just be doing these things on purpose. Rebuilding trust takes time and at times, letting go of the relationship might be the solution especially when there is continuous manipulation and shallow apologies with behavior that does not correlate with the apologies.