Except in IVF or any other medically assisted reproductive method, the reason most of us exist is through sex. Without the copulation of the male and female reproductive organs, most of us wouldn’t have been born. But even though sex is such a huge part of our lives, there’s some sort of limitation regarding its discussion.
For instance, children are not allowed to talk about sex in school, and most religious environments frown at a public discussion of the topic. But the truth is that people should talk about sex, especially partners.
It is just as vital to discuss finances, beliefs, work delegation, and parenthood as it is to discuss sex. In this article, we’ll discuss what it means to talk about it, the topics to be discussed, and most importantly, how to talk about sex without being awkward. If you’re set, let’s dive right in!
Talking about Sex
All relationships thrive only with proper communication and understanding, and as much as many might not want to admit, sex is a very important aspect of a romantic relationship. Whether it is a casual fling or, in the long run, talking about sex is important for the encouragement of a stronger bond between the partners.
On one hand, it can help clear the air on what more must be done in the bedroom. When partners communicate their needs and desires, it can increase the intimacy and satisfaction of both partners.
Another reason to discuss sex is so that both partners can explore their deepest desires together as a team.
Overall, talking about sex only does good for the relationship. The following are the reasons (or benefits) to talk about sex:
- Discussing it fosters emotional and physical intimacy.
- It eliminates the possibility of fake orgasms (which happens to most women, according to research).
- It decreases the likelihood of separation or arguments.
- It helps each partner better understand each other for easier love reciprocation.
- It increases trust between partners, hence creating a safe space for all.
But here’s the twist.
Even though discussing sex with your partner is beneficial, how would you know when to talk about it, how, or what to say? Let’s take the questions one after the other.
When it comes to proper sex communication, you shouldn’t just say anything. Just as it is important to ask the right questions during a first date, it is imperative to talk about the right things regarding sex. Below are the important sex topics to be discussed in every romantic relationship.
- Raw vs. Safe: You and your partner need to talk about your stand towards safe sex. Except in rare cases, it is always better to have safe sex. Protect yourselves using any of the sexual protective measures.
- Libido differences: Sexual activeness differs from one person to the other. You and your partner should discuss any differences in your libido so that it doesn’t seem like one person is wanting and the other is not always interested.
- Change in Libido: Even as the libido differs, there could also be changes for various reasons. If you notice that your partner seems less active than usual, talk about it (and in an understanding manner).
- Desire to try something new: Did you recently learn a new trick to try in the bedroom? Talk about it before asking your partner to curve up in weird positions.
- Satisfaction: Whether you want more foreplay, less anal, or you prefer a part of you touched more than others, talk about what you’d prefer during sex.
- Sexual dysfunction: Some people suffer from certain sexual dysfunctions. However, it does not mean that they are incapable of sexual satisfaction. It doesn’t also mean that they cannot satisfy you in bed. Nonetheless, the only way to reach a middle ground is to talk about it.
- Crying or Moaning: Does your partner cry after sex? Do you find your partner’s moaning style disturbing? These are all sex topics that should also be discussed.
- Fantasies: This differs from the talk about new sexual ideas. You might have a feet fetish, or your partner might have a certain fantasy. All these peculiarities can only be enjoyed if it is first discussed openly.
- Boundaries: Another topic that is usually underestimated is boundaries. It is important to respect each other’s boundaries, even during sex. A good example is when your partner doesn’t want to be kissed during an argument.
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases: In the presence of safe sex, this should not be a problem. However, if this happens, you and your partner must discuss the challenges, solutions, and way forward.
Sex Topics in Marriage
Despite the topics mentioned above, sex communication in marriage takes a slightly different turn. Indeed, the above topics should also be discussed in a long-term relationship. However, when couples are tied by marriage or children, the following sex topics in marriage should be discussed:
- Family Planning: No one needs to talk about spacing in a casual relationship. But if you’re married, it is highly essential to talk about how many kids you want and the spacing you’d like to give them. Both of you can visit the appropriate medical professional to discuss your options and the best family planning method for you.
- Sex Therapy: If you didn’t know already, there’s an option for couples to learn more about their sexual lives and how to satisfy themselves and each other. In the case that you and your partner perceive a difficulty in your sex life that’s beyond talking, you can visit a medically certified sexual therapist to help you find solutions.
How to Communicate Sexually in Marriage
To achieve successful communication, you must be mindful of two important elements of the discussion: How and When. These two things are essential because saying the right thing the wrong way can do a lot of damage in the same way that the wrong timing can. Let’s look at each of them one after the other.
Here’s how to communicate sexually in marriage:
- Don’t play the blame game.
- Avoid criticizing.
- Focus on intimacy.
- If you can, prioritize talking about things that can make you feel more connected to each other.
- Be honest about your fears, desires, and feelings.
- Make this talk a regular thing.
- Never do a new routine or purchase any sexual device without talking about it first.
Here’s when to communicate sexually in marriage:
- Talk about sex only when it’s not on the table. Refrain from post/pre-sex talk.
- It’s better to talk about it sooner rather than later.
- You should only talk about it when you have prepared what you want to say. Sensitive topics need planning.
- The best location is anywhere but the bedroom or during sleep time.
How to Talk about Physical Intimacy with Boyfriend
Physical intimacy between unmarried couples is a little bit different. Not only do you not see each other every day, but there is no law binding you together forever. Indeed, both versions require the intentionality of the partners involved, but in a causal relationship, there’s the need to be even more intentional. That said, these ten tips should help you on how to talk about physical intimacy with boyfriend:
- Both of you should decide on a convenient time away from the bedroom. Don’t make it too serious. Doing a date should help.
- Be honest and start casually. Ease into the topic.
- Be sensitive to their feelings when you talk and ask questions instead of assuming.
- Share your feelings as well, and don’t be judgemental.
- Understand that your partner might not be as open as you are, so allow them to take their time.
- Don’t deviate or give unrelated examples. Stay on point and be clear.
These six tips should help you discuss sex better with your partner, married or not. Just remember that the best place to have sex talk with your partner is out of the bedroom, where the tension is high. Don’t discuss the topic right before or after sex, and surely not when one or both of you are stressed, angry, or triggered.
Sex Questions to Ask Your Partner
Before rounding up this article, let’s go over fun sex questions to ask your partner during the sex talk. These questions are all open-ended, and while it should be an exciting moment, you should also ensure that you listen to your partner’s answers.
Take turns answering and make it as natural as possible (i.e., don’t let your partner feel like they are in an exam hall). Finally, you don’t need to pressure yourself with knowing the answers to all these questions at once. Remember that sex talk should be a regular thing. Try talking about one or three questions at a time to prevent overwhelming.
- What makes you most comfortable talking to me about your desires?
- How did you learn about sex?
- What did you learn about sex when growing up?
- Where do you best like to be touched during sex?
- Where would you rather not be touched during sex?
- Do you masturbate? If yes, what do you do to get yourself to orgasm? If possible, can I get a visual demonstration?
- What time of the day do you prefer to have sex?
- Do you watch, read, or listen to erotica? If yes, what type do you love best?
- Do you feel your body has changed in the last few years? If yes, in what way can that change make our sex life more exciting?
- What, where, or when makes you feel the sexiest?
- Have you had any negative experiences sexually that you’d like me to know about? (Remember not to judge).
- If there was no barrier, limitation, sense of guilt, or consequences, what would you like to try sexually?
- Is there anything you think might be weird but you’ve always wanted to try sexually?
- What’s your thought on sex toys? If it’s positive,
- Is there a sex toy you’d like to try?
- Would you like to go sex toy shopping with me?
- Do you like BDSM?
- Is there any particular moment you loved sex between us much more than usual? What made the difference?
- Is there any particular moment you didn’t particularly enjoy the sex between us? What made the difference?
- How would you prefer sex to be initiated between us?
- How high is ‘physical touch’ on your preferred love languages?
- Which do you prefer:
- Slow and sensual, or hard and fast?
- Lights on or lights out?
- More foreplay and oral or more penetration?
- Frequent sex or more bonding, quality time?
- PDA or private display of affection?
- Do you have any sexual position that you’ve always wanted to try? Visual describe it to me.
Congratulations on reaching the end of this article. Now, it’s time for the final task. Make a list of all the fun sexual ideas, bizarre or not. Then, in front of each idea, put three options (Yes, No, and Maybe). Have you and your partner ticked out every sexual idea, picking either a yes, a no, or a maybe if you’re on the fence? It’s better to do this test individually (not necessarily in different environments). After you have both taken the test, take the time to discuss the things you’d both like to try, the things you are unsure of, and the differences between your selections. Remember to follow all the above rules about being patient and not judgemental. If you’d prefer, contact a sexual therapist for help.